87 Ink 8/7/2026- my lucky number day and ruminating on thought
its interesting how quickly my mindset can change from "wow i love people" to "i hate all of you, the world is doomed". i was walking around the nieghbourhood around midnight the other night (i voluntarily sex-iled myself for layne's date) and i remember thinking about how each of the hosues i passed just held someone's entire life, and how so many of them reflected such kindness. i was swelling with love for my community. i could see the stars, it was quiet, i really felt so at peace. so, of course, that was immediately interupted. i had walked by an older dude, did the classic white people smile, and he snapped at me. "do you have something to fucking say?" i didn't?!? i was forcefully reminded that i was an afab person walking around at night, and got struck with intense fear. i wasn't as safe as i thought i was. i had to pass a bar, and a scrawny person shoving shit into a bag glared at me, and i almost ran.
what does it mean that i can go so quickly from feeling love for my community to feeling in danger? does that reflect more on myself or on the community? am i dellusional, or optimistic? i really can't tell.
7/11/2026- it was all worth it for this
sunflower has come to visit after so, so long. i planned this whole weekend for them, just a bunch of little activites to reintroduce them to milwaukee and riverwest. i invited over our friends who live out of town, and they all came over for a dinner party. we made vegetable tempura, which i didn't even consider that i could just make myself at home. that night was the hardest i had laughed in so long. that group gets along so well and bounces off of each other in the best ways. we were all together at home instead of kitsune con, which neither of us could afford, so bonnie, vince, and cheyanne showed up in cosplay. something about that made the night even funnier; elmo versus cabbage man.
i mentioned in one of the last posts how we were having go fetch's first beach bash, and we somehow timed it perfectly with sunflower's trip. that event was... beyond extraordinary. over 60 people showed up!!! multiple people had come up to me saying how welcomed they felt, how this was their first event and they were so nervous but it was better than they could've ever hoped for, how they felt comfortable in a swimsuit for the first time. i could've cried. t'ii absolutely killed it with her dj set, too- the sand around her booth was kicked up and and scattered around from everyone dancing. if this is any example of what's to come for fetch, i couldn;t be happier.
7/5/2026- burnout
i find it odd how burnt out i can feel while somehow still making no progress towards the things i want. we still have not opened up the studio, and honestly, partially because of me. i haven't been making the calls we need to make; i never uploaded the application to the government; i havem't really been keeping up with my role as bookkeeper. but despite all of my inaction, i still feel as though i've run a marathon and a half. we just went through a massive heatwave- maybe that's why. one of th elast few days, i actually fell asleep on the couch for a few hours. i've been going on my phone less right when i got to bed, which is supposed to be good, but it's not a conscious effort to improve my sleep habits- i'm just exhuasted at the end of the day. my jaw is tight. i should see a chiropractor again.
6/25/2026- deltarune today and even more furry shit
yesterday, chapter five of deltarune was released and me and my friends had a casual watch party, which arguably might've been one of my favourite nights. we were giving all of the characters voices to read the dialouge and loosing our minds laughing about it (not to toot my own horn, but i do a great rouxls kard). at one point, i just fully death metal screamed for one of the characters, and t'ii, layne, and aves lost their shit. we laughed until our throats hurt. even without us making our own fun, the chpater is incredible so far. i'll try to stream it sometime.
we also announced our first official meet for the queer furry group i'm a founder of, go fetch mke. we've been growing this group for the past few months, and it's finally established enough to host a 'beach bash'. t'ii is going to be debuting her new dj set she's been working on, and layne and aves are gonna try and get together some kanid making and sketchbook swap groups. i'm just excited to make more furry friends; i have been insatiably lonely as of late. it'll be nice to be surrounded by queer furries and get out in the sun.
5/18/2026- hospitals, kink, and bugs
this last week i've spent more time in a hospital than i ever have in my whole adult life. i've had a large sebeacous cyst on my face directly under my right eye for almost four years, and it got infected. After all this time, it's finally draining (gross, but cool).i've just been kind of... touching the part of my face where the mass used to be. it feels weird. i can feel my whole cheekbone.
me and my roommate are going to be taking part in a kink/fetish gear fashion show for pridefest this year. i'm in the pups category; she's in the self dressed category. i think im gonna do a kind of striptease while i walk, starting in a formal suit and removing piece by piece and replacing it with pup gear. towards the end, i'll be crawling on all fours. i'm excited- i love freaks. i love kink. this will be so fun.
in the same vein as the kink stuff, i've been thinking about some of the films i saw at an indie fetish film show. one of them was about a man's fantasy of becoming a bug and being pinned up and examined. the film was pretty outrageous- the top in the scene was in a giant cicada costume, but there were people in the crowd who were laughing more than i thought made sense. there was something i understood about it. the wanting to be a bug. my wings cracking open, held in place by a sharp, red pin. exposed. studied. prized. i painted a pinned five horned beetle this morning that i've titled 'perversion' (i'll attach that here as soon as the paint dries so i can scan it).
4/25/2026- a jumbling of thoughts
the new studio is still in a state of limbo at the moment. we have to wait until may to get the plumbing installed, and then at some point in between then and now we must do the flooring. it's... frusterating. i feel like i'm letting down the other artists by not making this happen faster, but i know we're all working together and things will happen when they're ready. still, i wish it could happen faster.
the studio is taking up a lot of my brain power, but i'm still trying to be present in the community. i want to host a furry meet soon, through our group FETCH. maybe we'll have a yardsale soon, too; me and my friend were talking about it earlier.
my roommate is showing me this show the dark crystal:age of resistance and it's so crazy good?? i never saw the movie, but the character design and the world building is making my imagination go insane. not to mention, the gethling are kinda..
4/1/2026- springtime
got the keys to our new studio today!! i feel like no winter has ever lasted as long as this one has. the grass took so long to come back, i couldn't stop looking at it today on my way back from the studio. the connection between the start of spring and the start of this collective is so direct it feels cheesy. the under garden collective is waking up. i'm gonna make a post on the shop's instagram and then watch criminal minds while working on budgeting and planning.
<3/24/2026- learning and starting something new
i have spent the last like, two hours farting around with codes and playing with my website. in the same way that it is so frusterating it's incredibly fulfilling and entertaining. have i accomplished much? not at all; i was trying to make a button that would lead to my site for another neocities user who requested it and i Did Not Do That, but i did manage to add some cosplay photos to my iron lung shrine.
in outside news- i'm going to be a signing a lease on a new studio collective on the first!! it's gonna be basically a collective within a collective which will be so cool and we get almost full authority over how the space will look. i get to play interior designer for real this time. the people joining me in the space are just as sweet as the owners of the building. as much as i'm nervous for all of the legal hoops we're going to have to jump through, i have never been more hopeful and excited. when i tell you i'm gonna go apeshit in this space. all my friends are invited. i want to be able to provide somthing back for the community, and this will be a really special third space- i can tell. we just have to come up with a name...
3/22/2026 - being eaten alive is the closest i'll get to being with you forever
3/21/2026 - first post
hello hello it's me! coding is hard but i'm trying my best! the things we want to see in this world take effort! nothing will change unless we do something!